


We will change for the better, together

by Carokation



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Benji and Ethan needing each other, Benji needs a hug, Emotional Roller Coaster, Ethan has to find out what is going on with Benji, Ethan is worried, Flashbacks, Healing, Luther is worried, M/M, Nightmares, PTSD Benji, Pining, Post-Mission: Impossible - Fallout, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Team Dynamics, Team as Family, pre-relationship (so far), the whole team is worried about Benji
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29735439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carokation/pseuds/Carokation
Summary: Benji is having nightmares and dreadful flashbacks after Fallout. He desperately needs Ethan for comfort, but telling him what happened isn´t easy...Ethan meanwhile is deeply worried for his friend and tries to find out the reason for his alarming behaviour.
Relationships: Benji Dunn/Ethan Hunt
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	1. Harsh night

Benji was balancing on his tiptoes, desperately prying his hands around the strong rope, trying without success to ease the pressure on his windpipe. Lane was grinning madly at him, mere inches from his face. He was watching Benji´s struggle for breath with a joyful glee that sent shivers down his back. 

A sound of breaking glass caused Lane to turn around, bringing back his attention to Ilsa, who was instantly attacking him with a broken glass bottle. When Lane was dodging, she used the moment to toss a sharp glass piece to Benji, who was barely able to catch it. Thankfully, he was beginning to use it for cutting loose the rope. Given the thickness of the rope, it would need some time though. Benji was hoping to be able to keep up his strength and balance that long, although it was getting harder every second. That plan was going up in flames though, when he was kicking Lane to prevent him from killing Ilsa. While it gave her the necessary distraction, it left Benji hanging without a box to stand on, increasing the pressure of the rope to a hardly bearable amount while leaving him entirely unable to breath. “I can´t breathe, I can´t breathe, I can´t breathe,” his brain was screaming at him, while his slowly weakening fingers still tried to cut the rope, fighting against the threatening blackness around his vision, although it was a lost case. He would never be able to cut through it in time with the little strength that was left in him. But he was a field agent, not allowed to give up. Not while knowing that Ethan had beaten death time and time again with his unbelievable skills. Benji owed it to him to at least try. Before he blacked out completely, Lane appeared back in his narrowed vision, smiling down at him so evilly that he was sure this was the end. 

Benji woke with a start, cold sweat running down on his skin. He took a shaky breath, trying to slow down his racing heartbeat. After a few minutes, he sat up in his tent, still shaking from the effects of his way too realistic nightmare. He wouldn´t be able to get back to sleep anyway. Fumbling around his sleep sack, he found a water bottle and carefully took small sips of water. They were painful to take, but at least cooling his mistreated throat a bit.  
Feeling an overwhelming need to see a friendly face to get rid of Lane´s afterimage still fixed in his mind, he decided to pay Ethan a nightly visit in the med-tent. He would be sleeping anyway, and even if not, it was so dark that Benji would be able to watch him without him or anyone else throwing sympathetic glances towards him, or, even worse, stare at his neck. 

Not that Ethan had really seen much of it the other day. Thankfully, he had been so distracted by Ilsa´s similar marks (even if not nearly to the same extent), that he didn´t even notice the ones all around Benji´s neck. And, of course, Benji had been careful to keep his distance, just in case. He needed Ethan to heal, not to worry about him. After all, he was injured much worse, right?

Still, it would even be better, if he had a scarf. He looked through his stuff, but didn´t find anything resembling a scarf. He would have to find someone to lend him one tomorrow. Sighting (even that hurt his throat, damnit), he dressed up quickly and made his way outside. No one was being seen anywhere nearby. The night was awfully quiet, it seemed like everyone except himself was sleeping soundly. 

He needed to get a scarf really soon. For now, though, he would just have to do without it.

Pausing before the entrance to the big medical tent, Benji wondered how the night could be so very silent while his head was filled with white noise and a high-pitched tinnitus which was annoying him ever since “the incident” as he called his dreadful experience of what he had to suffer through thanks to Lane. He wished that man would rot in hell. He could still hear the distinct sounds of the fight and of his loosing attempt of cutting through the rope while he was getting weaker and weaker… 

Benji cursed, he had wanted to distract himself from his memories, not rethink them over and over again. So, before he could continue the cycle, he entered the tent and quickly made his way over to Ethan. The poor guy was covered in bandages and had god knows how many scratches and wounds, but he still somehow managed to look peaceful at rest. Benji instantly took comfort in that, spending a long moment just standing there watching Ethan’s face. 

Eventually, he looked around to notice a chair standing not far off, which he carefully placed right before Ethan´s bed to settle in there for a while. Taking Ethan´s hand in his own as if to verify that they were both alive indeed, he let the warmth of the touch calm him while still watching his face. Thankfully Ethan was well asleep – the medication must´ve done some good – otherwise he wouldn´t know what the heck he would tell him.

Becoming more and more tired, yet too afraid to rush back into more nightmares if he would go back into his own tent just now, Benji was finding it harder to stay awake. After nearly dozing off and startling awake a few times, he tiredly leaned closer to Ethan. Resting his arms on the tiny amount of space left on Ethan’s bed, which wasn´t already occupied by him (well he was leaning a bit on top of Ethan’s top left arm, but thankfully said arm wasn´t noticeably injured so that wasn´t counting), he just wanted to rest for a few seconds to gather the power to actually stand up and leave. 

Sadly, his plan didn´t work out. As soon as his head was finding it´s resting place on top of his arms and he was closing his eyes – just for a few seconds, he told himself – he was out cold and didn´t wake up again until well into the oncoming morning.


	2. Deer in the headlights

When Benji woke up, he felt strange, something wasn´t like it was supposed to be, his muscles ached from the unfortunate position he had slept in and had the strong feeling that he forgot something very important. Blinking, he opened his eyes. When the first thing he saw was Ethan, staring to the ceiling in thought, his head mere inches from his own, his pupils widened as it all came back to him. Damn it, he was still in the medical tent! 

Panicking lightly, he straightened up in the chair he had been slumped over in for hours. This caused Ethan to turn his head, noticing that he was awake. The older agent smiled; a small tinge of concern apparent in his expression. “Hey, you´re awake,” he greeted him in the warm voice which never failed to make Benji feel a slight tingle in his belly. 

“Uhm yeah, I was, uhm, visiting you earlier and must´ve fallen asleep, I´m so sorry,” Benji stammered. To his dismay, he also felt his cheeks turning red from embarrassment. He looked to the ground, suddenly aware of his bruises, which must be quite visible in the now much brighter tent. 

He felt something touch his arm and winced, involuntarily expecting that someone was attacking him again. But snatching up his head with his eyes wide open, he only caught Ethan staring at him, his concern now plainly visible. 

“Benji,” he said very softly, laying his arm back on the sheets and watching his friend closely, “what happened to you?”. Benji grimaced, not sure what to tell him. He couldn´t tell him everything just now, he just couldn’t.

“You´re worse off,” was all he eventually said, not quite meeting his eyes.

Ethan wasn´t happy with his answer, though. 

“Please, Benji, I´m worried about you! You know you can tell me everything, right? Just tell me what happened! These bruises on your neck look really bad!” 

Benji sighted deeply, so he had noticed them after all. “Ilsa and I had a little fight with Lane. He was in a house, with the bomb, awaiting us. Ilsa was there first and tried to warned me when I entered, but I wasn´t getting it and suddenly, Lane was right behind me...” he told Ethan, his voice trailing off and staring into the distance. 

Ethan was scrunching his forehead and kept staring at Benji, silently urging him to go on. Benji looked back at him, taking strength from the warmth in his eyes before continuing haltingly. 

“He was, well, he had a rope in his hands. He..., he used it to...,” he opened and closed his mouth, trying to find words for the unspeakable. Ethan was waiting patiently, not pressing him any further. Benji loved him for it. 

“He was, well, kind of strangling me with it, while Ilsa tried to fight him,” he tried to avoid the h-word. 

“Kind of strangling?” Ethan raised his eyebrows in confusion, trying to understand. He looked more concerned by the second, if that was even possible. If he wasn´t feeling so shitty, Benji would´ve been touched by his obviously concern. 

Benji shook his head, not wanting to go any further, his “deer in the headlights” feeling slowly returning. He hoped he didn´t look pale as he felt. Suppressing a shudder, he hastily mumbled a half-baked excuse about needing to freshen up and get coffee while he hastily stood up from his chair and took a second of stretching his legs, to return the feeling to them.

“Look, I will come back later, ok? Try to rest a bit?” Benji said as sorts of goodbye, trying to sound cheerful but probably failing. Ethan was looking sad, but didn´t said anything as Benji hastily walked away as if driven by demons. On the way out, Luther came walking in, nearly bumping into him as he didn´t made much of an effort to move around him. 

Now, with the way his neck tingled, the both of them were surely staring after him (or maybe it was just the ever-present pain and he was imagining things), but at the moment, he just needed to get as far away from anyone as possible, not caring about being polite. 

He just wanted to find a hole and hid himself in it. Or maybe not, he didn´t wanted to add “claustrophobic” to his newly acquired list of fears. He already felt like he was collecting fears like others collected good bottles of wine. The older they got, the more bottles they displayed in their cellar. Shouldn´t it be the other way round? Starting as a field agent, he had thought that he would become more fearless with every mission he mastered, but so far, he had been utterly wrong. Maybe he wasn´t field agent material after all...


	3. Concern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is from Luthers POV, for a change.

When Luther entered the medical tent to visit Ethan, Benji brushed right past him, looking distressed. Alarmed, he turned to look after him. The bruises on his neck were clearly visible and much darker in colour then yesterday. He looked dreadful, Luther thought worriedly. 

He knew parts of what happened with Lane, not down to every detail, just that there had been a pretty intense fight, but from what he had heard of Ilsa and Benji himself, it had sounded as they were leaving out some major detail. Ilsa had talked mainly, but her speech got a little mysterious, leaving much to the imagination, after Benji had thrown her a warning glance. Then they all had been nervously waiting for news about Ethan’s location and wellbeing, distracting him from pressing for further information. He hadn´t thought it was that bad, though, as intensive fights were somewhat normal for them all. Even if Ethan was in the centre of those fights most of the time, they all had their share. 

Waiting until Benji, which after all the missions they had done together, he regarded more as a son than as a friend (much like Ethan), was out of sight, he slowly turned back towards Ethan. 

Stepping closer to his hospital bed, he noticed the deep concern etched in Ethan’s face, even while he was acknowledging Luther with a sad smile.

“What happened?” he asked worriedly, unaware of the fact that he was copying Ethan´s exact words from earlier.

“I´m not sure,” Ethan answered, frowning, “something very bad must´ve happened with Lane, so much is clear, but what Benji told me didn´t make much sense. There´s something he doesn´t want to tell and I´m not gonna pressure him, but honestly Luther, I´m worried for him.” 

Ethan sounded more scared than he had heard him in a long time and Luther didn´t liked it one bit. 

“We all are,” Luther affirmed. “He looks like he was strangled by this bastard,” he added, not even trying to hide his anger, which was atypical for him. He hated it when anyone was hurting his kids.

“That`s what I thought, but it seems like there´s more to it,” Ethan sighted. 

“Whatever it is, we will help him in every way we can,” Luther tried to comfort Ethan. “But he might need some space. I´ve seen agents with trauma before and it can take quite a while for them to heal, but with the right counselling, they get better.” 

Ethan was looking even more alarmed now, if anything, so Luther quickly added, “now I don´t say that he has a trauma, we don´t know that for now, but we got to consider it. Untreated trauma is bad, but with the right counselling, it can be overcome like everything else. We just have to keep a close eye on him for now and look for signs.” 

“You´re right,” Ethan said, a little bit of hope returning to his voice. “We will do anything we can to help Benji,” he confirmed with a warmth in his voice that was typical for him when he talked about their youngest team member.

Benji was kind of their weak spot, Luther thought warmly, without demoting him in any way. When Ethan was injured, they knew that he was quick to heal, but a hurt Benji was getting to all of them. He was the light of their team, always quick to warming up the atmosphere and smoothing tensions with his charming manner. When he was hurt, or unhappy, anyone was. 

He just hoped that Benji himself knew how precious he was for all of them, for his unique skills but also as a person. He had a feeling they would need to remind him. He also had a feeling that Ethan was the very best for this job.


	4. Coldness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benji seeks solitude.

Finally, outside and a good 100 meters away from the medical tent, Benji took a deep breath out of relief, but regretted it instantly as it led to another coughing attack. To his utter luck (could this day get any better?), this led to Julia noticing him. She was standing nearby, talking to a villager, but when she heard the coughing, she turned around, goggling him. Naturally, she turned towards the damsel in distress, coming towards him with long strides. 

Benji slowed down, letting her close in on him despite rather going elsewhere. Well, it wasn´t his day anyway so one more person staring down his neck wouldn´t make much of a difference. Not to speak of the fact that Julia had been attending to his injury just yesterday and was a doctor. So at least it was unlikely that she would be shocked by the bruises, opposed to others.

By the time she reached him, Benji managed to stop coughing and plastered a wide smile on his face. “Hi Julia,” he greeted her raspingly. 

“Benji,” Julia´s voice sounded worried, “did you take the medicine I gave you yesterday?” 

“I took some before going to bed,” Benji said, still with his fake smile on. “Didn´t felt like needing it when I woke up.”

“Well, you sure sound like needing it now,” Julia stated in the typical friendly but no-nonsense voice of a doctor talking to a reluctant patient. 

Benji sighted lightly (careful this time of not upsetting his throat too much), knowing that Julia was having a point. “Alright, alright, I will take some right when I´m back in my tent,” he said to her, his smile faltering a little. Which won´t be too soon, he thought silently.

Julia´s look turned a little softer. Patting him on the arm, she said “you know you can come to me if you need someone to speak to, right? We may not know each other that well, but you can talk to me anytime.” 

Why she thought he would need to “talk to someone”, he had no idea. Ok, maybe he had, but that didn´t mean he wanted to. The only one he really wanted to talk to was Ethan and even that was too hard right now so there was no way he would go around “talking” to people.

“Alright, I´ll keep that in mind,” he told Julia, eager to get rid of her presence. She was Ethan´s ex after all, always reminding him of what he couldn´t have despite being right in front of his nose.

She finally left him, leaving Benji to go his ways. Mindful not to sight and fuck it up again, Benji walked on, following the muddy path while keeping his head down. Passing tents right and left, they kept getting smaller until there were no more tents, but Benji just kept walking straight ahead with no specific goal. 

After having walked for about an hour, he reached a gathering of more or less withered trees with some rocks and bushes in between. He sought out a rock which looked good enough to sit on and was well hidden behind trees, so that no one nearby (not that there was a soul around) should be able to see him there. 

Finally being completely alone, he rested his head in his hands, suddenly feeling very exhausted, emotional as well as physically. Sobbing lightly, he just let the turmoil of emotions wash over him, too tired to resist them anymore. Well, better to let them out now, where no one could see him. 

A cold and nasty wind was picking up, dimmed down a little by the trees, but still blowing around him, making Benji instinctively hug himself to preserve more of his body heat. It was getting more uncomfortable by the minute, but alas, it gave him a strange kind of satisfaction, the way the weather was mirroring his emotional state of mind. He was picturing the wind to pick up his dark thoughts, blowing them farther and farther away, leaving him feeling hollow instead. 

After a long while, when he couldn´t ignore the coldness seeping into his bones any longer, he tiredly stood up, starting to make his way back.


End file.
